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The Guy's Side:
Finally, the guy's side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from
the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no,
we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear
on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and
No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In Fact, all comments become null and
void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one
of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how
you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please
say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also
a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what
is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You
have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have
to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men! really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you
can - to give them an education
........................................................................................
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course
15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP
IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN
TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
..............................................................
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all
of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I
turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A:
Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake
it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake
it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake
it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q:
How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
....................................................................................................
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news
for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After
dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married
30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool
around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne
said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad
news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided
to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get
married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Heheh," his mother
chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
...................................................................................................
How smart are you? This is a fun one!
Exercise
of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally
alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so....... Below is a very
private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and
determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have
made your own.....OK, relax, clear your mind and ... begin.
===========
1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is "bread." If you said
"toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to
Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer:
Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over
stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more
appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.
3.
If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from
pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer:
Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading
these questions ?? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is
flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany
and East Germany.. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining
engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time
and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would
you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land" ?
Answer:
You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to
rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then
proceed to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then
how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer:
One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting
this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed
to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford
Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people setoff and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea,
three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford
Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh,
for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU, you dummy...the very first line says that you're
driving the bus).
Now pass this along to all your "friends" and hope they do better than you did!
.............................................
WORDS
WOMEN USE
> >
> >FINE
> >This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER
use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
> >
> >FIVE MINUTES
> >This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you
take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
> >
> >NOTHING
> >This means something and you should be on your
> >toes. 'Nothing' is usually used to describe the
> >feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing' usually
> >signifies an argument that will last 'Five Minutes' and end with the word 'Fine'.
> >
> >GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
> >This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
> >getting upset over 'Nothing' and will end with the
> >word Fine'.
> >
> >GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
> >This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow 'Go Ahead' in
just a few minutes, followed by 'Nothing' and 'Fine'and she will talk to you in about 'Five Minutes' when she cools off.
> >
> >LOUD SIGH
> >This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A 'Loud Sigh' means
she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you Over
'Nothing.'
> >
> >SOFT SIGH
> >Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. 'Soft
> >Sighs' are one of the few things that some men
> >actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
> >
> >THAT'S OKAY
> >This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. 'That's Okay' means that she wants
to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done.'That's Okay' is often used with
the word 'Fine' and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow 'Go Ahead.' At some point in the near future when she has plotted
and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
> >
> >PLEASE DO
> >This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever
> >excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
> >that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a 'That'S Okay.'
> >
> >THANKS
> >A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say
> >you're welcome.
> >
> >THANKS A LOT
> >This is much different than 'Thanks.' A woman will say, 'Thanks A Lot' when she is really ticked off at you. It
signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the 'Loud Sigh.' Be careful not to ask what
is wrong after the 'Loud Sigh,' as she will only say 'Nothing'.
> >
> >
> >Please send this out to men that you know just to
> >warn them about future arguments they can avoid if
> >remembering all the terminology.
> >
> >And send to all your women friends to get a good
> >laugh!
.......................................................
This was written by a black man in Texas.......so
funny.....what a great
sense of humor!
When I born,
I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks...... When you born, you pink.
When
you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When
you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored ??
..................................................................................
Meatless Fridays
>
>
> John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
>
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big
> juicy steak on his grill.
>
>
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.
> This
> went on each Friday of Lent. On
the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood
> men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He
>
was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take
> it
> anymore.
>
> They
decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.
>
> They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all
of his
> neighbors
> and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.
>
> They took him to
church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and
> said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist,
and now you are
> a
> Catholic."
>
> The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation
was
> resolved.
> The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent
> came,
>
and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their
> cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak
cooking on a grill came wafting
> into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!
>
>
WHAT WAS GOING ON?
>
> They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see
> if
>
he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just
> in
> time to see John standing over
his grill with a small pitcher of water. He
> was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were
>
born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
..................................................................................
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR
course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC
FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
...................................................................................
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned.
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of
the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the
restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names
begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the
toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been
prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo
tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax
$1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat
tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance
$5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41
Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time
$7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous
$113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We
are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed
elsewhere. Have a nice week.
....................................................................................
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!! Evening
classes for men. Starting this month !!
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept
a
maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on
registration.
1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.
2. TOILET PAPER: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.
3: DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. Practicing with
hamper.
Pictures and graphics.
4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO
KITCHEN
SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among panel of experts.
5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
Help
line and support groups.
6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
INSTEAD
OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.
7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
PowerPoint
presentation.
8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real-life testimonial from the
one
man who did.
9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving
simulation.
10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.
Online
class and role playing.
11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation
and
breathing techniques.
12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING
WHEN
YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.
13. GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.
Individual
counselors available
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